First Frustrations

Gah...times flies when you're on an extended break. I've been out of school for almost a month now for the holidays, and I have yet to do anything worth while...I guess that's the great thing about being on break, huh. I've spent the majority of my break at my boyfriend's apartment...pretty much alone. He works very long hours as a manager at a furniture rental company. He works 12 to 14 hour shifts and his only off day is Sunday. Couldn't do it if you ask me. He isn't very happy and he's always tired or irritable when he comes home. I know it's not his fault because he is just trying to be able to afford his bills and whatnot, but it is becoming a bit of a strain on our relationship.

Yes it's true! Gay guys do worry about more in a relationship than whether or not one is cheating on the other, or having a million fights over who they think should be their "third." Realistically, we have the same strains and fights straight people have....although I will admit they can become a little more dramatic (not speaking from personal experience of course).

The main problem in our relationship is often communication. There just seems to be so many topics we tiptoe around. It's like some things are just too fragile to bring up without seriously stepping on his toes. This usually bottles up and makes things tense for a while...and more so in situations where it just doesn't make sense. I can never truly pinpoint why we are mad or tense when we get to that point. It feels like some deep psychological shit that only a trained couple’s therapist can fix...but our relationship is just too young for that. We've only known each other a short seven months. I often end up feeling mad or dejected for what on the surface seems like no particular reason. Take what happened this past Sunday for instance:
I made plans for us about a week ago to hang out with a couple of my friends (using that term loosely) from high school. We talked about going to see Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakquel just to meet up at least once before school started back. Since it was Q's only day off, I figured it would be a good chance for us to maybe spend the day together and be a couple for once. The day started off ok. We got up and got dressed that afternoon and decided to go to the mall to kill time. We went to all the stores that he wanted to go to including his favorite store, Express. I don't know why but I just felt heated in there. I didn't want to be in there and I just had a major mood swing for no reason. The whole concept of the store just felt stupid to me now. The woman's side of the store was filled with nothing but whorish, tight fitted shirts that passed for dresses when a pair of tights and stilettos was added, and the men's side was just a bunch of nerdy shirts and very gay suits. I don't know what triggered my sudden dislike for Express....whether it was the fact that the prices are way too high for the crap they sell or if it is just because Q likes it. But anyway, we left the mall empty handed and went to the Summit (an outdoor mall kind of deal) where Q proceeded to enter ANOTHER fucking Express store...just to have me standing with my back against the wall sighing and him walking out of the store empty handed again. I ended up buying a marked down f aux fur-lined jacket from Old Navy and we left the Summit. We headed back towards Trussville (where the movie theater we were meeting my friends is located) but stopped in a nearby Chinese restaurant for dinner before the show. The conversation was actually going pretty well and we had an alright time. The check came and he suddenly had to go to the restroom...I still didn't pay it. I was buying the movie, and I'm broke enough as it is. I offered to pay for our Burger King dinner the night before but he gave the cashier his credit card as I was asking for the total. He came out of the restroom to find that the bill was unpaid and he reluctantly forked over his card and paid for the meal. Later after getting into the car, he asked me the quickest way to get to Wal-Mart and I told him....just before verbally wishing that I had my own damn car since I knew my way around the area. I think he took offense to that or something because he asked me if I was implying anything. I told him I wasn't, but I really just wanted him to offer for me to drive. He got a brand new car a couple of weeks ago, and he has never offered for me to at least take it around the block...I mean what can I say it's his car. He never wanted me to get behind the wheel of his old car (which was a piece of shit) so why should I expect to be good enough to drive the new one. I feel so inadequate when I'm with him sometimes. I feel like I'm playing the role of the "girl" a lot of times instead of us being equals. He has the job while I just sit at home doing nothing...occasionally cleaning because he lives like a slob. He has the car and the apartment, and I'm just his dependent boyfriend who's not in the best financial situation due to school and the fact that my parents can't afford to (and probably wouldn't if they could) drop a few thousand dollars as a down payment on a new car. Hell, my parents wouldn't even give me the money for school books my first semester at Troy. His dad also bought him a brand new iPhone 3Gs that in my opinion he didn't really need so much as wanted. I guess a part of me is a little jealous that he's 22 and his parents still takes care of him from some perspective and I'm just 18 and mine seem to have given up some time ago. This just feels like one of the many things I can't bring myself to talk about without me coming off as selfish in the end, because maybe I really am just a selfish asshole who's having a hard time being happy for his boyfriend.
Back to the story, we arrived at the movie theater early and waited for my friends on the inside. We didn't talk and he spent the whole time texting God knows who on his phone. I saw him intentionally clear one of his conversations so who knows what he was talking about, but I don't want to make this into some big thing about trust, because he has given me no reason not to...but I am enough of a narcissist to believe that he may have been talking about me and/or our relationship to somebody. We didn't talk during the wait and I started to feel bad because I hate that tension...I bought him some candy and we watched the movie. When we got in the car I checked my Myspace on my phone and saw that his mood was updated to "Blah." I checked his status and it read, "Q is finding out similar personalities clash." After recovering from what felt like a punch in my stomach, I asked him what it meant. He said we'll talk about it later. I couldn't believe he would put that on a Myspace status, but not feel comfortable to talk to me about what he was feeling instead. My feelings were hurt, but I figured the worse thing I could do was to queen out and spill my guts like I was on some television soap opera. Instead, I sat in silence the whole ride home. We got to his apartment and watched an episode of the last season of Will & Grace DVD I bought him for Christmas. Before the next episode popped on, I stopped the DVD player and curled up beside him and asked him if he wanted to talk. We had our first heart-to-heart which was also very scary because I kept picturing it ending with us breaking up. We decided to see where this relationship is going to go, and I'm hoping it goes the distance and lasts....maybe even forever. I do love him...but sometimes I'm not always sure I know how to be with him. I don't always know the right thing to say...I'm terrible at showing my true emotions because no matter what I'm feeling, it always shows as frustration, and there are things about him I've struggled with but I wouldn't know where to begin with talking about it. For once, I got what I wanted in a boyfriend. He's great and I'd like to think he is perfect for me, but this is not always easy. I wish things were different...maybe he jumped into a relationship too soon after the tragedy of his last boyfriend of three years, and maybe I'm just too immature to handle something so serious and progressive. I don't know where we'll be when our first anniversary rolls around, but I hope it's together...

Whew...it's been forever and I'm happy to say that this first semester at Troy University is finally over! I feel awful about abandoning my blog for so long, but I've had so much going on with school assignments and what not, I never really had a chance. I have however, realized that this blog served for great for therapeutic purposes. I'm almost ashamed to say that those annoyances and emotions in my life was actually what drove me into blogging, and now that things are slowly starting to become somewhat stable, I'm

What's going on now? Well here's a bit of a recap. I'm not going to give every detail because if I did, this blog would NEVER end! But anyway, here we go...

First off, I still don't have a vehicle, but may be on the right path to getting one by May. I'm too superstitious to say how because I don't wanna jinx it! I so need a car to be able to transfer to the University of Alabama in Birmingham and to hopefully move in with (my still boyfriend) Quinton....another thing I would absolutely hate to jinx. I also may be getting a job on campus next semester through the work study program. Maybe I can afford to pay tuition AND save up some money. I'm also trying to find new and innovative ways to make money without having to find a real job (considering I wouldn't have a way to get there). So far the only legitimate way to make money on the internet that I have found was through a site called Treasure Troopers which is a site that pays you for doing surveys and completing offers. The average amount you make from doing one offer/survey is probably about fifty-cents but it adds up. I've started about three days ago and haven't put a lot of time into it and made about $13 so far. There are some people on that site whose monthly paychecks are over $150. That's a nice little bonus for some easy supplementary income. If you think you wanna check out the site just click here and use me as a referral. Also shoot me at email if you have any questions about the site after signing up.

Everything is going alright in my life. Things could be better...but things could be worse. I'm still holding my breath on so many things in my life regarding my future and relationship with Quinton. I hope everything falls into place soon...and if it does you'll be the first to know.