Fuck Me for Trying.

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Well, it's been an active week since the last time I posted. As we all know, Monday was good 'ol Martin Luther King Jr. Day and most of us (or at least a good amount of us anyway) had the day off. I was no exception of course. Classes were not in session, which gave me an extraordinarily long weekend. Now this was enough time for me to sort out just about everything I needed to do. I kinda had this check list of stuff.

1. Get money from parents (considering the money can't be wired because my acct is overdrawn)
2. Do laundry and bedding, considering it hadn't been washed since before Christmas break
3. FInd everything I forgot to bring from home.

So that list was made earlier during the week, when the elongated weekend was just an anticipated glimmer in our eyes. I didn't think I'd have a hard time finding a way home, but time soon proved me wrong. I asked two friends of mine if they were going home or not, and they said they were planning to and agreed to let me tag along. Cool. So that problem was solved until that Tuesday or Wednesday (can't remember) they told me they had changed their minds because it might rain. So the only two people I thought to call were my mother and my boyfriend. The boyfriend was tangled up with work and homework assignments so him picking me up Friday night was out of the question. Mom agreed and said she would work on finding a way down here since her truck barely made the trip when she dropped me off in August. So once again, cool. Problem solved. Called my dad and ask for a little money for books and I was set. Wasn't until Thursday and Friday when my glorious mother decides to ignore all of my phone calls and texts. So I call the boyfriend again and he finally agrees to pick me up on Sunday if my mom can't make it. I even sent a text message to my mom explaining that I would be picked up by Quinton...still no reply. So Quinton makes the long trip to Troy and we hang out in my dorm for a while. He cuts my hair and we make up for the two weeks of not being together and are on our way back to busy Birmingham, Alabama.

I got home at about nine or so that night and my mom was (as expected) knocked out cold from her nightcap of psych-meds and cheap beer. I struggled to wake her out the foggy slumber and she finally drug herself upright and realized what was going on. I asked her why she'd been avoiding my calls and she said because she was done with it. Never had any plans on picking me up or anything. Why didn't she just say that? Why does she always send me on a wild goose chase instead of just being honest with me? But anyway, enough with the world's unsolvable questions...I then asked her if she was off Monday and she was so I told her she needed to take me back home after we pick up the money my dad left me at my grandmother's house. Problem. She didn't want to...she also hadn't asked anybody about switching vehicles in order to pick me up from Troy (so she obviously didn't ask anybody to help take me back). So i called my grandmother (my mother's mother) and got her to agree on letting us use the car to get me back to school.

Monday Noon:
I was in the process of finishing laundry as I am being severely rushed by my mom saying that my grandmother was pissed because I'm taking "all day?"
A few minutes later I actually get a call from my grandmother....cussing me out because she's ready to go. Since when was she going with us? She said her back was out last night when I asked to use the car....just one more stress and distraction because now I am frantically throwing my wet comforter and clothes into a trash bag because I didn't have time to finish. We make it to Grandma's and end up staying for like 30 or 40 mins just shooting the breeze because my cousin popped by. So I was rushed for nothing. And on top of that, since I was in such a rush, I forgot my keys so we had to drive all the way back to my mom's house anyway. Her dumb ass was talking about mailing my key...to what mailbox? I don't have a P.O. box and then she said she'd just buy me one and mail my dorm key down there. So she was gonna spend $20 on a P.O. box that I don't need just so she can mail a key to me that we could get in 20 mins...stupidity at its best. I finally begged her to go back to the house so I can just get my precious dorm key. After that we were on the road to Troy and chatted idly...until Granny had something to say.

Yup...Granny spoke up about my sexuality and how it's a big choice and decision to make that often devastates the family. She also said that my lifestyle is dangerous and shouldn't be taken lightly. I should also think about going to therapy, because everybody needs therapy and guidance/counselling...especially people who are confused. So needless to say, it was a very awkward conversation. I'll spare every incriminating detail, partly because most of it went into one ear and out the other. So we finally arrive at Troy and ate dinner at the cafeteria with some of my friends. They left, and that was that.

Things are normal once again...busy in school (wishing I was not here in Troy). The good thing is that I have books this time around. Thank God for that! And I recently found out that the position at the cleaners has been filled...and not by me. So I am broke and will be broke until only God knows when...but at least I can say I tried. I'm just looking forward to the day in my life when this will all be worth while. Until then, I'll be here struggling to smoothen out my rigid little life.

-darryl aka dap

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All That is Green

ALSO POSTED ON MY BLOG SITE WWW.BLOGGINGDUCK.WEBS.COM
Okay so it's Thursday and I'm just enjoying my off day for the most part by being a lazy ass. I woke up at around noon and went to Saga (the campus cafeteria) by myself for lunch...well brunch. I don't have a lot of energy today considering I'm on this (soon to be short lived) diet. I am also very well aware that if anybody saw me in person they would think I was a lunatic for even thinking I need to be on a diet. The truth is, I just wanna tone and trim up, and the only way to show of the few muscles I do have is to peel of a little layer of fat...on top of going to the gym three times a week of course. I'm not trying to gain any muscle, but to rock the sexiness I already have! I've been on this diet since Monday and it's not been easy so far...I did however download an application for my iPhone called Lose it!, which is basically a calorie counter that has just about every brand of food in America and how many calories and fat it contains. I've found out a lot about fast food, and let me tell you...it's gross! But one place that isn't so bad at all is Chic-fil-a. Eating an 8-piece chicken nugget from there without any sauce is just 260 calories! I'm not gonna lie, it contains a lot of sodium though, but still not even 300 calories! For the past four days, my life has consisted of calorie counting and basically living off of salad and nuggets. Since I'm already thin, I already see results which means hopefully I can just maintain my weight after another week and a half or so, because this 1300 calories a day thing isn't hard, but not leaving me with much energy...especially after workouts when I feel light headed. I know it's because of my low calorie intake and that it's probably not a good sign at all, but I try to alleviate this with fat free yogurt after workouts which does help. But like I said, I'm seeing results and I'm kinda liking what I see. I'm not gonna go overboard, although I'm dreading going to the gym today because I'm tired, but I gotta go if I wanna stick with what I'm doing. I never finish what I start, and this would be a perfect opportunity to prove to myself that I do have will power. I'm just trying to lose 7 pounds, but it's enough to make me feel like a million bucks. Anyways, I guess I should get started on some Algebra homework....I have six sections that are due in less than two weeks. Gotta love this college homework!

Trying.

Well, today was the first Monday of the Spring semester and as I've been saying all day...I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I signed up for 18 credit hours! I woke up at 8:20 AM/Ante Meridiem (okay, I'll stop now) and my first class was at 9. I then proceeded to go to three other classes after that without a single break until 12:50. I will tell you that my favorite class so far is definitely Introductory Spanish I. I took two years worth of Spanish in high school and I retained it very well considering most people forgot most of it as soon as the course was over. I've always been interested in Spanish and I've decided to make it my minor. The cool thing is that my professor (who is really cute, but completely straight) is the best Spanish teacher I've ever had. We didn't just sit there and listen to him throw Spanish infinitives at us, he had us get up and mingle with the class in Spanish every time we learned something new. I was worried that since there is not an official textbook for the course, I would have a really hard time learning, but the advantage of having a professor with a PhD in Spanish is that he can teach us things that are not always taught in a textbook. For example, I never knew that the typical way to greet somebody in Spanish wasn't necessarily by saying "hola." Spanish speaking people often use buenas, which is the English equivalent of hi. They are also more prone to use (my favorite) oye (pronounced Oh-Jeh) as the English equivalent of hey. I've been so enthusiastic to get better at my Spanish, I have already been looking and practicing with the sites my professor gave us as a study tool. Can't wait to get better. Our midterm and final exam consist of us just meeting one-on-one with the professor and having a conversation with him in Spanish. The better we communicate, the better our grades will be.

Besides that, nothing else great really happened this first Monday back. My Visual Arts professor mother passed away so there won't be any class until next Wednesday. I feel bad for her considering she was my Intro to Drawing instructor last semester. Although she is crazy as everything, she is a really nice and passionate person. I thought about sending her a sympathetic email, but thought it would be too personal considering I'm just a student of hers...not even a favorite. I still hope she and her family is okay.

Outside of classes, I am feeling very hopeful about the next couple of weeks. Last Friday, there was a mass email sent to all students about Troy Cleaners hiring. Right away I thought, that's off campus so there is no need to even try considering I don't have a vehicle at the moment. But the email came enclosed with an address, so I typed it in my iPhone's GPS and selected the walking distance option and it calculated that it was only 3 minutes away. So with that in mind, I typed up a resume (although their were applications at the store) and wrote down the hours I was available on a green sticky note. Today I had butterflies fluttering in my whole body, let alone in my stomach. I picked out a nice pair of jeans, a dressy shirt topped with a thick jacket and Sperrys. I also slept with stocking cap on my head (a very African-American thing to do I know ) to make sure my hair wasn't frizzy. At 1 this afternoon after a quick gussying up, I headed to the apply for the job. I checked the GPS again just to make sure I wouldn't get lost or anything, and the distance jumped from 3 minutes to 17 minutes!! I had to walk over half a mile to get there....but it was worth it. I gave the owner or manager (or whatever she was) my resume and she seemed at least a little impressed that I was so prepared. Considering I already had my contact information and my hours (the little green sticky note) with my resume, I didn't need to waste time filling out an application. She said if my hours don't conflict with the other person she is going to hire, she will give me a call back. I'm hoping and praying so hard for this job! I left after the brief encounter with her and headed back to campus. I even slipped an extra resume to Little Ceaser's Pizza on the way.

The Troy, Alabama ghetto....

With all of that being said, I'm just hoping for a change really soon. With everything that's happened in the past year, I think I deserve a small break. If not that, at least a chance at happiness, and if I do fuck up, at least it would be on my own part without the help of anybody else. I am honestly trying with everything in me to change my own life for the better. I'm not the type of person that sits around and wishes for something good to magically appear on my lap. I'm only eighteen years-old, but I know that if I want anything productive to happen in my life, I have to make it happen and not wait around for it, and if I have to walk a half a mile in the rain everyday, I will do it just because somebody gave me the chance. And with that tidbit of College-Kid wisdom, I will call it a night.

forever hopeful,
-darryl aka dap

Back on the Grind

Okay, I knew I'd get around to writing this at some point today despite the fact I've been up and out since 8:30 this morning. It feels so weird getting back into school after having that really long break. I've actually been back since Wednesday afternoon so I won't just jump ahead to today so I guess I'll just dive right into everything that's been going on this week.

By the way...in case you were too uninterested to look it up yourself, PM stands for post meridiem (you get that if you read the blog before this one).

So...I woke up Wednesday morning I think at around 8, with frostbite and numbness from the cold. I was kinda sad but excited at the same time. I didn't want to leave Quinton but it's only for a semester and I figured the less I dwindled around, the less time I would have for it to hit me that this was real, and I was going to be away from him. I had spent three long, confusing, desolate, glorious, and wondrous weeks at that apartment, and just when I was getting used to our little routine, it was time for me to pack my little life and go. I took a quick shower and bundled up in a fitted thermal and my new favorite coat and after throwing everything I owned in the back of his Pontiac GS, we were on our way back to Troy, Alabama.

When we arrived, I checked in and we proceeded to haul the heavy containers up the back stairs to my dorm room. The halls still stunk of dirty underwear and testosterone, but the floors were shiny and buffed. I walked up to our door at 218 A and noticed new name tags cut out of yellow construction paper in the shape of clovers. (I'm guessing it went with some kind of spring theme?). I twisted the doorknob and walked into the room I was so willing to leave behind for at least another week with my boyfriend. I hurled my belongings onto the middle of the floor and went back to the car for the rest of my stuff. Three agonizing trips later, I called to meet up with Nicole for lunch before Quinton had to be on his way. I ended up with my beloved Chinese food that I had actually missed and anticipated while I was gone. We chatted and laughed for a few minutes and it was time for the dreaded goodbye. I walked him to his car and we said our farewells. He got into the car and I gave him a short kiss in front of God and anyone else in the parking lot and headed back to the food court. I kept it short so maybe it wouldn't hurt too bad, and it didn't. I sat down at the round table with Nicole as if nothing at all had happened and cleared my mind to make room for thoughts other than him.


I wasn't being mean or anything when I said I was pushing him out of my mind, I just meant for a little while. I was back in reality. Being with him was a vacation...sort of a temporary ideal living situation (besides the no car and no job thing) that will happen eventually when I move back home, but it wasn't real. Reality is being back in Troy and trying to deal with everything that's being thrown at me without saying "fuck it" and dropping out.

Yesterday, I went to the bookstore to use financial aid to purchase my books for this semester with no luck...I don't have enough to cover school and books together. I'm still overdrawn hundreds of dollars in my bank account, so there isn't a simple way for anybody to wire money into my account until that's settled (which I don't see happening anytime soon). I also planned on signing up for work study today...but alas, luck was not on my side because there is nothing left. I feel like it's going to be a long semester full of even more bullshit than the first. Hopefully things get better...I'm not asking for the moon or anything. I just want a break for once in the past couple of years. I mean I'm trying to do something with my life by sticking with school (mainly because it's all I have) and I earn decent grades, but I guess in the real world, it's just not enough sometimes. I'm meeting friends at Saga (the campus cafeteria) so I guess I'll end here.

-darryl aka dappy duck

Doggone it...

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Have you ever had one of those days where ripping out your own internal organs would feel better than what you're dealing with now? Well today is just one of those days. I'm not usually needy or over emotional, but today my emotions are all over the place. I'm angry, I'm sad, I feel alone...you name it, I'm feeling it. I'm not in self-pity mode, I'm just trying to let off some steam without doing anything irrational the only way I really know how...through writing.



First off, not even an hour after I woke up this morning, my mother called me to give some bad news about Rocky, our dog. Rocky is a full blooded Pit Bull that I got as a birthday gift from a friend three years ago. He never hurt anybody, he wasn't mean, hell, he grew up with our cat, so he probably think he is a cat! Anyway, some roughneck wannabes in my neighborhood thought it would be funny(?) to sneak into our back yard and tie another dog onto Rocky's leash. Well as you can guess, they fought like...well...dogs. And it seems my dog got it worse than the other. He was really beat up and for what? A laugh? A prank? I'm so pissed off by that very idea that some human being would want to do that to somebody else's pet. My mother heard them going at it this morning and went outside to find them just sitting there. Neither of the dogs were probably vicious, but they were both scared and did what their instincts told them to do. My mom got him to the vet and he's fine now. Just hurt his leg really bad but it's not broken. They gave him a bunch of anesthetics so he's pretty much in his own little world. I'm just happy he's okay. I do wish I spent more time with him when I actually lived here. I barely even know my dog anymore, but I still love him and I don't want anything to happen to him...especially when he doesn't bother anybody. But he's safe and that's all on that.



There's also other things swarming through my mind. As I get closer to another birthday, I realize that things happen for a reason...some for good, some for bad...and others, well I don't know why something happen, but I know there is a reason. Not everybody is going to like me, not everybody is going to want to know me for who I really am, and that's okay. I'm just ready to let go of certain people and certain poisons in my life that prevent me from truly moving on with my life. Sometimes being nice isn't truly being the bigger person...sometimes being the bigger person is cutting ties that prevent us from being happy. So my second New Year's Resolution (after going to the gym more often) is to get rid of certain people in my life....it's nothing personal, just something that I need to do...and unlike the first resolution, this one will not be broken.

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First Frustrations

Gah...times flies when you're on an extended break. I've been out of school for almost a month now for the holidays, and I have yet to do anything worth while...I guess that's the great thing about being on break, huh. I've spent the majority of my break at my boyfriend's apartment...pretty much alone. He works very long hours as a manager at a furniture rental company. He works 12 to 14 hour shifts and his only off day is Sunday. Couldn't do it if you ask me. He isn't very happy and he's always tired or irritable when he comes home. I know it's not his fault because he is just trying to be able to afford his bills and whatnot, but it is becoming a bit of a strain on our relationship.

Yes it's true! Gay guys do worry about more in a relationship than whether or not one is cheating on the other, or having a million fights over who they think should be their "third." Realistically, we have the same strains and fights straight people have....although I will admit they can become a little more dramatic (not speaking from personal experience of course).

The main problem in our relationship is often communication. There just seems to be so many topics we tiptoe around. It's like some things are just too fragile to bring up without seriously stepping on his toes. This usually bottles up and makes things tense for a while...and more so in situations where it just doesn't make sense. I can never truly pinpoint why we are mad or tense when we get to that point. It feels like some deep psychological shit that only a trained couple’s therapist can fix...but our relationship is just too young for that. We've only known each other a short seven months. I often end up feeling mad or dejected for what on the surface seems like no particular reason. Take what happened this past Sunday for instance:
I made plans for us about a week ago to hang out with a couple of my friends (using that term loosely) from high school. We talked about going to see Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakquel just to meet up at least once before school started back. Since it was Q's only day off, I figured it would be a good chance for us to maybe spend the day together and be a couple for once. The day started off ok. We got up and got dressed that afternoon and decided to go to the mall to kill time. We went to all the stores that he wanted to go to including his favorite store, Express. I don't know why but I just felt heated in there. I didn't want to be in there and I just had a major mood swing for no reason. The whole concept of the store just felt stupid to me now. The woman's side of the store was filled with nothing but whorish, tight fitted shirts that passed for dresses when a pair of tights and stilettos was added, and the men's side was just a bunch of nerdy shirts and very gay suits. I don't know what triggered my sudden dislike for Express....whether it was the fact that the prices are way too high for the crap they sell or if it is just because Q likes it. But anyway, we left the mall empty handed and went to the Summit (an outdoor mall kind of deal) where Q proceeded to enter ANOTHER fucking Express store...just to have me standing with my back against the wall sighing and him walking out of the store empty handed again. I ended up buying a marked down f aux fur-lined jacket from Old Navy and we left the Summit. We headed back towards Trussville (where the movie theater we were meeting my friends is located) but stopped in a nearby Chinese restaurant for dinner before the show. The conversation was actually going pretty well and we had an alright time. The check came and he suddenly had to go to the restroom...I still didn't pay it. I was buying the movie, and I'm broke enough as it is. I offered to pay for our Burger King dinner the night before but he gave the cashier his credit card as I was asking for the total. He came out of the restroom to find that the bill was unpaid and he reluctantly forked over his card and paid for the meal. Later after getting into the car, he asked me the quickest way to get to Wal-Mart and I told him....just before verbally wishing that I had my own damn car since I knew my way around the area. I think he took offense to that or something because he asked me if I was implying anything. I told him I wasn't, but I really just wanted him to offer for me to drive. He got a brand new car a couple of weeks ago, and he has never offered for me to at least take it around the block...I mean what can I say it's his car. He never wanted me to get behind the wheel of his old car (which was a piece of shit) so why should I expect to be good enough to drive the new one. I feel so inadequate when I'm with him sometimes. I feel like I'm playing the role of the "girl" a lot of times instead of us being equals. He has the job while I just sit at home doing nothing...occasionally cleaning because he lives like a slob. He has the car and the apartment, and I'm just his dependent boyfriend who's not in the best financial situation due to school and the fact that my parents can't afford to (and probably wouldn't if they could) drop a few thousand dollars as a down payment on a new car. Hell, my parents wouldn't even give me the money for school books my first semester at Troy. His dad also bought him a brand new iPhone 3Gs that in my opinion he didn't really need so much as wanted. I guess a part of me is a little jealous that he's 22 and his parents still takes care of him from some perspective and I'm just 18 and mine seem to have given up some time ago. This just feels like one of the many things I can't bring myself to talk about without me coming off as selfish in the end, because maybe I really am just a selfish asshole who's having a hard time being happy for his boyfriend.
Back to the story, we arrived at the movie theater early and waited for my friends on the inside. We didn't talk and he spent the whole time texting God knows who on his phone. I saw him intentionally clear one of his conversations so who knows what he was talking about, but I don't want to make this into some big thing about trust, because he has given me no reason not to...but I am enough of a narcissist to believe that he may have been talking about me and/or our relationship to somebody. We didn't talk during the wait and I started to feel bad because I hate that tension...I bought him some candy and we watched the movie. When we got in the car I checked my Myspace on my phone and saw that his mood was updated to "Blah." I checked his status and it read, "Q is finding out similar personalities clash." After recovering from what felt like a punch in my stomach, I asked him what it meant. He said we'll talk about it later. I couldn't believe he would put that on a Myspace status, but not feel comfortable to talk to me about what he was feeling instead. My feelings were hurt, but I figured the worse thing I could do was to queen out and spill my guts like I was on some television soap opera. Instead, I sat in silence the whole ride home. We got to his apartment and watched an episode of the last season of Will & Grace DVD I bought him for Christmas. Before the next episode popped on, I stopped the DVD player and curled up beside him and asked him if he wanted to talk. We had our first heart-to-heart which was also very scary because I kept picturing it ending with us breaking up. We decided to see where this relationship is going to go, and I'm hoping it goes the distance and lasts....maybe even forever. I do love him...but sometimes I'm not always sure I know how to be with him. I don't always know the right thing to say...I'm terrible at showing my true emotions because no matter what I'm feeling, it always shows as frustration, and there are things about him I've struggled with but I wouldn't know where to begin with talking about it. For once, I got what I wanted in a boyfriend. He's great and I'd like to think he is perfect for me, but this is not always easy. I wish things were different...maybe he jumped into a relationship too soon after the tragedy of his last boyfriend of three years, and maybe I'm just too immature to handle something so serious and progressive. I don't know where we'll be when our first anniversary rolls around, but I hope it's together...