First Frustrations

Gah...times flies when you're on an extended break. I've been out of school for almost a month now for the holidays, and I have yet to do anything worth while...I guess that's the great thing about being on break, huh. I've spent the majority of my break at my boyfriend's apartment...pretty much alone. He works very long hours as a manager at a furniture rental company. He works 12 to 14 hour shifts and his only off day is Sunday. Couldn't do it if you ask me. He isn't very happy and he's always tired or irritable when he comes home. I know it's not his fault because he is just trying to be able to afford his bills and whatnot, but it is becoming a bit of a strain on our relationship.

Yes it's true! Gay guys do worry about more in a relationship than whether or not one is cheating on the other, or having a million fights over who they think should be their "third." Realistically, we have the same strains and fights straight people have....although I will admit they can become a little more dramatic (not speaking from personal experience of course).

The main problem in our relationship is often communication. There just seems to be so many topics we tiptoe around. It's like some things are just too fragile to bring up without seriously stepping on his toes. This usually bottles up and makes things tense for a while...and more so in situations where it just doesn't make sense. I can never truly pinpoint why we are mad or tense when we get to that point. It feels like some deep psychological shit that only a trained couple’s therapist can fix...but our relationship is just too young for that. We've only known each other a short seven months. I often end up feeling mad or dejected for what on the surface seems like no particular reason. Take what happened this past Sunday for instance:
I made plans for us about a week ago to hang out with a couple of my friends (using that term loosely) from high school. We talked about going to see Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakquel just to meet up at least once before school started back. Since it was Q's only day off, I figured it would be a good chance for us to maybe spend the day together and be a couple for once. The day started off ok. We got up and got dressed that afternoon and decided to go to the mall to kill time. We went to all the stores that he wanted to go to including his favorite store, Express. I don't know why but I just felt heated in there. I didn't want to be in there and I just had a major mood swing for no reason. The whole concept of the store just felt stupid to me now. The woman's side of the store was filled with nothing but whorish, tight fitted shirts that passed for dresses when a pair of tights and stilettos was added, and the men's side was just a bunch of nerdy shirts and very gay suits. I don't know what triggered my sudden dislike for Express....whether it was the fact that the prices are way too high for the crap they sell or if it is just because Q likes it. But anyway, we left the mall empty handed and went to the Summit (an outdoor mall kind of deal) where Q proceeded to enter ANOTHER fucking Express store...just to have me standing with my back against the wall sighing and him walking out of the store empty handed again. I ended up buying a marked down f aux fur-lined jacket from Old Navy and we left the Summit. We headed back towards Trussville (where the movie theater we were meeting my friends is located) but stopped in a nearby Chinese restaurant for dinner before the show. The conversation was actually going pretty well and we had an alright time. The check came and he suddenly had to go to the restroom...I still didn't pay it. I was buying the movie, and I'm broke enough as it is. I offered to pay for our Burger King dinner the night before but he gave the cashier his credit card as I was asking for the total. He came out of the restroom to find that the bill was unpaid and he reluctantly forked over his card and paid for the meal. Later after getting into the car, he asked me the quickest way to get to Wal-Mart and I told him....just before verbally wishing that I had my own damn car since I knew my way around the area. I think he took offense to that or something because he asked me if I was implying anything. I told him I wasn't, but I really just wanted him to offer for me to drive. He got a brand new car a couple of weeks ago, and he has never offered for me to at least take it around the block...I mean what can I say it's his car. He never wanted me to get behind the wheel of his old car (which was a piece of shit) so why should I expect to be good enough to drive the new one. I feel so inadequate when I'm with him sometimes. I feel like I'm playing the role of the "girl" a lot of times instead of us being equals. He has the job while I just sit at home doing nothing...occasionally cleaning because he lives like a slob. He has the car and the apartment, and I'm just his dependent boyfriend who's not in the best financial situation due to school and the fact that my parents can't afford to (and probably wouldn't if they could) drop a few thousand dollars as a down payment on a new car. Hell, my parents wouldn't even give me the money for school books my first semester at Troy. His dad also bought him a brand new iPhone 3Gs that in my opinion he didn't really need so much as wanted. I guess a part of me is a little jealous that he's 22 and his parents still takes care of him from some perspective and I'm just 18 and mine seem to have given up some time ago. This just feels like one of the many things I can't bring myself to talk about without me coming off as selfish in the end, because maybe I really am just a selfish asshole who's having a hard time being happy for his boyfriend.
Back to the story, we arrived at the movie theater early and waited for my friends on the inside. We didn't talk and he spent the whole time texting God knows who on his phone. I saw him intentionally clear one of his conversations so who knows what he was talking about, but I don't want to make this into some big thing about trust, because he has given me no reason not to...but I am enough of a narcissist to believe that he may have been talking about me and/or our relationship to somebody. We didn't talk during the wait and I started to feel bad because I hate that tension...I bought him some candy and we watched the movie. When we got in the car I checked my Myspace on my phone and saw that his mood was updated to "Blah." I checked his status and it read, "Q is finding out similar personalities clash." After recovering from what felt like a punch in my stomach, I asked him what it meant. He said we'll talk about it later. I couldn't believe he would put that on a Myspace status, but not feel comfortable to talk to me about what he was feeling instead. My feelings were hurt, but I figured the worse thing I could do was to queen out and spill my guts like I was on some television soap opera. Instead, I sat in silence the whole ride home. We got to his apartment and watched an episode of the last season of Will & Grace DVD I bought him for Christmas. Before the next episode popped on, I stopped the DVD player and curled up beside him and asked him if he wanted to talk. We had our first heart-to-heart which was also very scary because I kept picturing it ending with us breaking up. We decided to see where this relationship is going to go, and I'm hoping it goes the distance and lasts....maybe even forever. I do love him...but sometimes I'm not always sure I know how to be with him. I don't always know the right thing to say...I'm terrible at showing my true emotions because no matter what I'm feeling, it always shows as frustration, and there are things about him I've struggled with but I wouldn't know where to begin with talking about it. For once, I got what I wanted in a boyfriend. He's great and I'd like to think he is perfect for me, but this is not always easy. I wish things were different...maybe he jumped into a relationship too soon after the tragedy of his last boyfriend of three years, and maybe I'm just too immature to handle something so serious and progressive. I don't know where we'll be when our first anniversary rolls around, but I hope it's together...

Whew...it's been forever and I'm happy to say that this first semester at Troy University is finally over! I feel awful about abandoning my blog for so long, but I've had so much going on with school assignments and what not, I never really had a chance. I have however, realized that this blog served for great for therapeutic purposes. I'm almost ashamed to say that those annoyances and emotions in my life was actually what drove me into blogging, and now that things are slowly starting to become somewhat stable, I'm

What's going on now? Well here's a bit of a recap. I'm not going to give every detail because if I did, this blog would NEVER end! But anyway, here we go...

First off, I still don't have a vehicle, but may be on the right path to getting one by May. I'm too superstitious to say how because I don't wanna jinx it! I so need a car to be able to transfer to the University of Alabama in Birmingham and to hopefully move in with (my still boyfriend) Quinton....another thing I would absolutely hate to jinx. I also may be getting a job on campus next semester through the work study program. Maybe I can afford to pay tuition AND save up some money. I'm also trying to find new and innovative ways to make money without having to find a real job (considering I wouldn't have a way to get there). So far the only legitimate way to make money on the internet that I have found was through a site called Treasure Troopers which is a site that pays you for doing surveys and completing offers. The average amount you make from doing one offer/survey is probably about fifty-cents but it adds up. I've started about three days ago and haven't put a lot of time into it and made about $13 so far. There are some people on that site whose monthly paychecks are over $150. That's a nice little bonus for some easy supplementary income. If you think you wanna check out the site just click here and use me as a referral. Also shoot me at email if you have any questions about the site after signing up.

Everything is going alright in my life. Things could be better...but things could be worse. I'm still holding my breath on so many things in my life regarding my future and relationship with Quinton. I hope everything falls into place soon...and if it does you'll be the first to know.

It All Came Out

Okay, okay, it's been a little while since my last update, but things have been very busy and stressful these past couple of weeks. I am happy to say that I am away from my hometown and enjoying life here on this beautiful (and very hot) Troy University campus. Yeah, it may have been a bumpy little path getting here with all the stress over not having a car, losing my immunization form, catching up on financial aid stuff and so forth, but I'm actually here. I moved into the all male (freshman) dormitory Saturday evening after sad goodbye's with some family and Sara, and of course Q.
Move-in day was stressful all on it's own. I had my stuff packed the night before and we planned on leaving Saturday at noon to have me there at around 3pm. Well...that didn't happen that way. My mom's truck (and everyother car she owns) is a piece of crap and we were both worried that it would never make it down there and back, so she was planning on taking my grandmother's car instead, like she did to take me to orientation. No problem, right? Wrong! She failed to let my gradmother (who was attending my great uncle's funeral in California) anything about it, and just showed up Saturday morning to take the car just to find that it was running hot, and my grandmother's new car was parked and the keys taken.
So noon rolls around, and my mother still isn't back yet, so I call her and she is STILL across town fooling around with my grandmother's car. Since I had a deadline of 5pm to make I was starting to panic a little, but figured we had time for her to get something done. Tick-tock-tick-tock....it's now 2pm and it takes three hours to get there and she still is not home! I'm in full blown panic attack mode at this point, so I called the residential department at the school and informed them I was going to be a late and they seemed to be cool with it, which put me a little more at ease.
Mommy Dearest finally showed up a few minutes later and I cramed my stuff into and onto that truck as fast as my hands and feet would allow me and we were on our merry little way.
Three very uncomfortable hours later, we arrived to the campus and I checked into my dorm and got my key. Tyler (as well as his mother, aunt, and grandmother) were already in the room, his side of the room completely set up. My mom and his folks helped me set my things up (my side was far less decorated than his) and after a couple of hours or so my mom was on her happy way home. Tyler's family decided they were staying in a hotel close to campus for some program the next afternoon. To make a long story short, they stayed for two freaking days!!! I was so ready for them to go, I thought I was going to have to hang myself out on the campus green just to get some privacy.
The next day began our first day out on our own. I basically hung out with Tyler and Nicole (another girl I have known sice middle school) and some random people we were meeting as the time went by. Not much to do when classes aren't going on. That was also the day I just decided to come clean about my sexuality. It was never a huge deal to me because at this point in my life I don't care what people think about it, and I'm tired of hiding who I am just to appease people. I'm not running around in make up and wigs, nor am I this big flammer. I just so happen to like and fall in love with guys. So what? But I actually told Nicole Sunday night when Tyler was out out of the room, and she was completely ok. Then the next afternoon Tyler and I had our discussion which lasted much longer than the one Nicole and me had....but it still went ok. When Kayla and Rachel got settled, I told them (seperately of course) and they are fine. I feel really relieved to just be myself while I am here.
I guess that's all the big news I got right now...still kind of stressing over some stuff but hey, that's a story for next time ...maybe. Haha

Letting It All Hang Out

Phew...an update, finally! Well I've been a little busy this past week...mainly with Q, which I am happy to say all is still very well and I hope it remains that way. This past Saturday we took a little road trip to meet up with a few of his friends (but mainly his bestie, Terry) for a little fun, plus Terry wanted to meet me, which felt really good because it kind of made me feel accepted in a way. And although our destination was no place fancy (it was a country little town called Carbon Hills...or Springs...I forget), but we had a whole day of activities lined up. We got there and the first person I saw was of course, Terry, who welcomed us both with open arms. Then I saw their friend, Allie (and her infamous boobies) following behind him. Then following Allie, was Jessica, Terry's little sister who is just a year older than me. Just breaking the ice was well enough. They gave off a good vibe and I felt right at home. We swam and played around in the water like a bunch of kids until it was time to get ready for "Karaoke Night" at this rest stop. We all showered (mine a little longer than everybody else's which I think kinda annoyed Q, but oh well) and meet up with the rest of their friends before heading to the Karaoke bar-thingy. We stayed there for hours before we left and ended up staying the night at Terry's. Since Terry lives with his folks, there is a very strict no sex rule (or at least gay sex anyway) in the house, so there was no showering together, kissing (which we did plenty of in the car), or anything in the  house. We even slept in different places. The next day we ended up going to a (very small) birthday party for Terry's ex-boyfriend which was fun in it's own way. Then back to Terry's to get our stuff together and make our way back to Q's apartment. 

Spending so much time with Q is starting to make me realize that there maybe he is the one for me. We have the same goofy sense of humor, we are never bored with each other, nothing is forced, and we just click so well...I don't know what I'm gonna do if fate isn't on our side. We aren't necessarily going in different directions in life, it's just that we are so young and at different points right now. He is going through job interview after job interview (which is a process that is going very well, and I am super proud of him) and I'm just getting my feet wet in the real world, not really knowing what to expect. We still haven't made any "real" commitment to each other yet but it's clear that we want each other and have no interest in dating anybody else. I'm a little scared, but it's natural I suppose. 

As for some random stuffy stuff, I've started working on a new look for myself. Nothing completely different or drastic. I got my hears pierced (16 gauge black hoops) and I got my left rook pierced (blue spike) and I LOVES it. I'm also training my (naturally straight) hair to wave. I want those cool 360 degree waves you see on those hot black models yum. They are starting to form, but it'll be some weeks before they are perfect. I don't wanna use chemicals or too much product. I've also joined this newer gay networking site called Daily Queer and if there are any gays out there reading this, you should sign up. It's very comparable to Facebook except you can post dirty pictures if you want. And it is more of a networking site, rather than a gay hook up site. If you in fact do make an account, feel free to check out My Profile and add me or something. 

Well that's all got for you today...I'll try to update soon, although next week is probably going to a busy one considering I leave for Troy next Saturday!

An Active Week

Well a lot has been going on lately and I've just been waiting for things to build up a bit so I'd actually have something to write about. Some events that have taken place over these past couple of weeks have been great...and others well, not so much I guess. Nothing too extreme though. Nothing I'm not particularly used to, I guess. 

About a week ago, I attended college orientation (better known as Troy IMPACT), which was a two day process of being separated by parents, meeting new students, and picking classes...not to mention the miscellaneous partying that took place; yes all ready! I actually had some fun though. We had a hilarious group leader named Erica who was really cool. And I met a few people when we were trapped in a room for like three hours while Erica and Caitlyn, the other leader helped us pick our classes and made our schedules. And surprisingly I met a boy on this trip. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: With all the boy trouble in my life, why even consider adding another to the mix? And you're right...it's not worth my time. But I think I've made a friend in him. His name is Eddie and we have a lot in common; from our style to music, we really clicked pretty well. And I admit...he followed me to my dorm room and things got a little "touchy" and I felt incredibly guilty. I told Q moments after it happened hoping he wouldn't think the worse of me, and he didn't. He was actually very okay with it. We are not committed to each other and he kinda understood. But I promised that I would not hook up with anybody while we are on a romantic level. I just don't have the conscience for it...what can I say? I'm smitten.

Speaking of which, me and Q spent a completely wonderful four days together when I got back from Troy (the night I got back actually because me and Mom came home to a dark house due to the fact she didn't pay the bill). It was great! I can totally see myself being with him and happy.  Friday we spent the day at the mall before going to see the new Harry Potter movie. We went to Gap and saw my friend Rickey (who I met through my ex-boyfriend, Wendell). We chatted for a few minutes and decided to hang out later that night. We ended up settling on going to the club later on around midnight. Q and I got there before he did and of course there he was: my ex-boyfriend Wendell.  I tried to kinda maneuver around him without him noticing but he saw me and pulled me over into a bear hug. I'm guessing he had been feeling a little friendly since he had been drinking. I just asked him how he was doing and asked where Rickey was and pretty much went about my business. I saw him ALL night...and when I left we hugged again and he told me to be careful as he gave a friendly smile towards Q. The situation wasn't terribly awkward, but for days after (including right now) it triggered all the feelings and hurt I felt when we were together. I know I don't want him anymore, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him even a little. But I'm not bold enough to try and contact him...especially after vowing not to. I kind of wish I never saw him...I am over him as my boyfriend and all, but it's never easy seeing an ex and so soon after ending communication. I think I took a few steps back after seeing him and now it's back to "purging" him again. 

But besides the Wendell "sighting" the club was fun. Q and I had a good time, although I was kind of disappointed that Josh (Rickey's hubby) didn't show up because he had to work. So to make it up to me, we hung out today. Just went shopping and grabbed a bite to eat. We visited Rickey at the Gap and talked for a bit. He asked me a lot of questions about college and stuff and I told him my position with Q. About how I don't know how long I'll be at Troy because I'm willing to change schools out of state if Q get's an out of state job, and he reacted to me as if I was stupid. It was one of those moments where although he didn't really say anything about it, his body language and mannerism told me what he thought of the idea. I kinda didn't like that, considering Rickey has no place to judge me, but I think that just may be how he is, so I tried not to take it personally. I mean, as long as I think it's right then it's ok...it's MY life, and plans change. Who knows how I'll feel or what will be going on in a year...everything could change in a year. But oh well...we shall see. 

Halfway Relieved.

Lots of things happening these days. For starters I have officially quit my job at Cracker Barrel after saving up a pretty hefty amount of cash. I'm confident that I won't go broke for a while...hopefully I'll manage until I get a job down in Troy. I admit, it is kind of weird...it's Monday and I have NOTHING to do. Haha I think  it's something I can get used to real quick. 

On another note, I came home today after spending yet another wonderful weekend with Q (and spending like 64 bucks at good old American Eagle), that my mother bought me a towel set and a sheet/comforter set for college. I was so banking on having to buy that crap myself. But thankfully she went ahead and bought it, so that's two things I can cross off of my list. 

As for the Q situation, well things are the same and I'm happy. I can't help but to feel all giddy when I'm around him, and I kind of feel a little sad when we say goodbye. I'm trying hard not to rush into anything and keep these emotions under control and all, but I'm really starting to think I'm falling for him even more. Maybe even in love? With both of our lives being so unpredictable and all over the place, I don't necessarily think think I want to allow myself to fall too hard for him, but on the other hand, deep down I think I know. I want to be with him. I don't have eyes for anybody else, and I don't care about being with or hooking up with anybody but him. It's just as simple as that. I kind of think he can sense it, but we don't talk about it. We just enjoy each other's company. We don't even always have sex and we still love being around each other. I just wish things were simpler and it would just happen. But I guess I'll have to wait a few more weeks to see what he plans on us doing when I'm away....

Dizzy...literally.

Okay, so I've told you about Q, my love interest and all. And we all know that this past weekend was Independence Day. Well I had no plans the beginning of that day, considering my mother left earlier that morning to help my granny BBQ, which was fine with me because I wanted to sleep-in anyway.
When I finally did wake up, around two-ish, I got a text from Kevin, my friend/ex. Apparently he wanted to hang out, but didn't know if he could or not because his father had been hinting all day about wanting to go fishing together. I don't really mind going off with Kevin, because we have fun and I like seeing him, but for like the first time, I just really wasn't too interested. I wouldn't have told him no, but I don't think I would've enjoyed myself...my mind was on Q.
So some really long and boring hours of watching television and playing The Sims 3 goes by and at around six or so, Q finally texts me and eventually asks if I wanted to hang out with him. Of course I eagerly accepted...all giddy and shit. But he told me he had to wait on his step-mom to bring over some food or something before he could leave. An hour goes by and he sends me a text message saying his dad told her not to bring him anything and that he should go over there and see his family...fair enough I guess. So he told me he'll see me a little later cuz he just wanted to make an appearance and be on his way......
....FOUR AND A HALF HOURS LATER...he finally tells me he's on his way still after being guilt tripped by his father for leaving. It's like almost midnight now, so he comes up with this brilliant plan to go clubbing. I kind of like that sort of thing every now and then so I agreed but only if we drink first, because otherwise I just find the whole thing boring...but everything's fun when you're drunk, right?
So we meet and get to his apartment so he can change clothes and he has some Smirnoff Vodka that's been sitting on his kitchen island for ages (or since I've met him anyway), and I know that vodka does NOT agree with me at all. The first time I got drunk off of vodka at a party when I was 16, I got out of control and looked like a complete idiot...it was awful. Not to mention the horrible feeling I got while being drunk...vodka is not good drunk in my opinion. But of course I drink Q's vodka anyway. He had a couple of sips here in there but I pretty much drank it myself...and it wasn't long before the crazy belligerent drunk came out and to the point where our clubbing plans were pretty much over, considering the lesbian bouncer wouldn't stand for admitting a completely wasted 18 year old into their club. So Q basically had to take care of my loud ass, attempting (in vain) to calm me down.
I don't remember much at all so the story would probably be more effective told from his point of view, but hey, he doesn't blog...and besides I didn't really ask to know every detail anyway, in fear of embarrassment. But he took care of me...even when the gallons of vomit came. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I threw up...a lot, which so weird because no matter how bad I get, I never throw up, which is another reason for me to stay the hell away from vodka.
At some point I finally (literally) passed out on the sofa and woke up some hours later feeling like I was so close to death, and alone on his couch. I remember feeling really really bad and just forcing myself back to sleep. I woke up again feeling worse some time later and Q had joined me on the couch, asleep on the opposite end. This time around I was tossing and turning feeling terrible. Everything ached and I was so light headed. I got up and went to the bathroom, of course upon walking out I found myself charging to the toilet (my new best friend) to throw up, but instead, considering there was nothing left to throw up, I just starting retching and dry heaving...horrible feeling....then I got back on his sofa him still asleep, and then I noticed I was naked. Now before you get the wrong idea, apparently during my drunken episode, I threw up on my jeans and Q told me to take them off and told me to hop in the shower but instead I took off all of my clothes and walked to the living room where I passed out on the sofa instead.
But he took care of me, even while I was hungover. I stayed on his couch all day feeling like complete crap. He got me something to eat and made me feel better about the whole thing like it was no big deal.
It may sound stupid, but after all of that drunken nonsense, I actually think I like him more. I don't want anybody but him and I hope he feels the same about me. I know he likes me, and I know he's really apprehensive because of the distance from his town to Troy, but I hope he gives in and takes a chance....besides I'm kinda tired of being yet another victim of unrequited love.