Fuck Me for Trying.

ALSO POSTED ON MY PERSONAL SITE WWW.BLOGGINGDUCK.WEBS.COM

Well, it's been an active week since the last time I posted. As we all know, Monday was good 'ol Martin Luther King Jr. Day and most of us (or at least a good amount of us anyway) had the day off. I was no exception of course. Classes were not in session, which gave me an extraordinarily long weekend. Now this was enough time for me to sort out just about everything I needed to do. I kinda had this check list of stuff.

1. Get money from parents (considering the money can't be wired because my acct is overdrawn)
2. Do laundry and bedding, considering it hadn't been washed since before Christmas break
3. FInd everything I forgot to bring from home.

So that list was made earlier during the week, when the elongated weekend was just an anticipated glimmer in our eyes. I didn't think I'd have a hard time finding a way home, but time soon proved me wrong. I asked two friends of mine if they were going home or not, and they said they were planning to and agreed to let me tag along. Cool. So that problem was solved until that Tuesday or Wednesday (can't remember) they told me they had changed their minds because it might rain. So the only two people I thought to call were my mother and my boyfriend. The boyfriend was tangled up with work and homework assignments so him picking me up Friday night was out of the question. Mom agreed and said she would work on finding a way down here since her truck barely made the trip when she dropped me off in August. So once again, cool. Problem solved. Called my dad and ask for a little money for books and I was set. Wasn't until Thursday and Friday when my glorious mother decides to ignore all of my phone calls and texts. So I call the boyfriend again and he finally agrees to pick me up on Sunday if my mom can't make it. I even sent a text message to my mom explaining that I would be picked up by Quinton...still no reply. So Quinton makes the long trip to Troy and we hang out in my dorm for a while. He cuts my hair and we make up for the two weeks of not being together and are on our way back to busy Birmingham, Alabama.

I got home at about nine or so that night and my mom was (as expected) knocked out cold from her nightcap of psych-meds and cheap beer. I struggled to wake her out the foggy slumber and she finally drug herself upright and realized what was going on. I asked her why she'd been avoiding my calls and she said because she was done with it. Never had any plans on picking me up or anything. Why didn't she just say that? Why does she always send me on a wild goose chase instead of just being honest with me? But anyway, enough with the world's unsolvable questions...I then asked her if she was off Monday and she was so I told her she needed to take me back home after we pick up the money my dad left me at my grandmother's house. Problem. She didn't want to...she also hadn't asked anybody about switching vehicles in order to pick me up from Troy (so she obviously didn't ask anybody to help take me back). So i called my grandmother (my mother's mother) and got her to agree on letting us use the car to get me back to school.

Monday Noon:
I was in the process of finishing laundry as I am being severely rushed by my mom saying that my grandmother was pissed because I'm taking "all day?"
A few minutes later I actually get a call from my grandmother....cussing me out because she's ready to go. Since when was she going with us? She said her back was out last night when I asked to use the car....just one more stress and distraction because now I am frantically throwing my wet comforter and clothes into a trash bag because I didn't have time to finish. We make it to Grandma's and end up staying for like 30 or 40 mins just shooting the breeze because my cousin popped by. So I was rushed for nothing. And on top of that, since I was in such a rush, I forgot my keys so we had to drive all the way back to my mom's house anyway. Her dumb ass was talking about mailing my key...to what mailbox? I don't have a P.O. box and then she said she'd just buy me one and mail my dorm key down there. So she was gonna spend $20 on a P.O. box that I don't need just so she can mail a key to me that we could get in 20 mins...stupidity at its best. I finally begged her to go back to the house so I can just get my precious dorm key. After that we were on the road to Troy and chatted idly...until Granny had something to say.

Yup...Granny spoke up about my sexuality and how it's a big choice and decision to make that often devastates the family. She also said that my lifestyle is dangerous and shouldn't be taken lightly. I should also think about going to therapy, because everybody needs therapy and guidance/counselling...especially people who are confused. So needless to say, it was a very awkward conversation. I'll spare every incriminating detail, partly because most of it went into one ear and out the other. So we finally arrive at Troy and ate dinner at the cafeteria with some of my friends. They left, and that was that.

Things are normal once again...busy in school (wishing I was not here in Troy). The good thing is that I have books this time around. Thank God for that! And I recently found out that the position at the cleaners has been filled...and not by me. So I am broke and will be broke until only God knows when...but at least I can say I tried. I'm just looking forward to the day in my life when this will all be worth while. Until then, I'll be here struggling to smoothen out my rigid little life.

-darryl aka dap

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All That is Green

ALSO POSTED ON MY BLOG SITE WWW.BLOGGINGDUCK.WEBS.COM
Okay so it's Thursday and I'm just enjoying my off day for the most part by being a lazy ass. I woke up at around noon and went to Saga (the campus cafeteria) by myself for lunch...well brunch. I don't have a lot of energy today considering I'm on this (soon to be short lived) diet. I am also very well aware that if anybody saw me in person they would think I was a lunatic for even thinking I need to be on a diet. The truth is, I just wanna tone and trim up, and the only way to show of the few muscles I do have is to peel of a little layer of fat...on top of going to the gym three times a week of course. I'm not trying to gain any muscle, but to rock the sexiness I already have! I've been on this diet since Monday and it's not been easy so far...I did however download an application for my iPhone called Lose it!, which is basically a calorie counter that has just about every brand of food in America and how many calories and fat it contains. I've found out a lot about fast food, and let me tell you...it's gross! But one place that isn't so bad at all is Chic-fil-a. Eating an 8-piece chicken nugget from there without any sauce is just 260 calories! I'm not gonna lie, it contains a lot of sodium though, but still not even 300 calories! For the past four days, my life has consisted of calorie counting and basically living off of salad and nuggets. Since I'm already thin, I already see results which means hopefully I can just maintain my weight after another week and a half or so, because this 1300 calories a day thing isn't hard, but not leaving me with much energy...especially after workouts when I feel light headed. I know it's because of my low calorie intake and that it's probably not a good sign at all, but I try to alleviate this with fat free yogurt after workouts which does help. But like I said, I'm seeing results and I'm kinda liking what I see. I'm not gonna go overboard, although I'm dreading going to the gym today because I'm tired, but I gotta go if I wanna stick with what I'm doing. I never finish what I start, and this would be a perfect opportunity to prove to myself that I do have will power. I'm just trying to lose 7 pounds, but it's enough to make me feel like a million bucks. Anyways, I guess I should get started on some Algebra homework....I have six sections that are due in less than two weeks. Gotta love this college homework!

Trying.

Well, today was the first Monday of the Spring semester and as I've been saying all day...I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I signed up for 18 credit hours! I woke up at 8:20 AM/Ante Meridiem (okay, I'll stop now) and my first class was at 9. I then proceeded to go to three other classes after that without a single break until 12:50. I will tell you that my favorite class so far is definitely Introductory Spanish I. I took two years worth of Spanish in high school and I retained it very well considering most people forgot most of it as soon as the course was over. I've always been interested in Spanish and I've decided to make it my minor. The cool thing is that my professor (who is really cute, but completely straight) is the best Spanish teacher I've ever had. We didn't just sit there and listen to him throw Spanish infinitives at us, he had us get up and mingle with the class in Spanish every time we learned something new. I was worried that since there is not an official textbook for the course, I would have a really hard time learning, but the advantage of having a professor with a PhD in Spanish is that he can teach us things that are not always taught in a textbook. For example, I never knew that the typical way to greet somebody in Spanish wasn't necessarily by saying "hola." Spanish speaking people often use buenas, which is the English equivalent of hi. They are also more prone to use (my favorite) oye (pronounced Oh-Jeh) as the English equivalent of hey. I've been so enthusiastic to get better at my Spanish, I have already been looking and practicing with the sites my professor gave us as a study tool. Can't wait to get better. Our midterm and final exam consist of us just meeting one-on-one with the professor and having a conversation with him in Spanish. The better we communicate, the better our grades will be.

Besides that, nothing else great really happened this first Monday back. My Visual Arts professor mother passed away so there won't be any class until next Wednesday. I feel bad for her considering she was my Intro to Drawing instructor last semester. Although she is crazy as everything, she is a really nice and passionate person. I thought about sending her a sympathetic email, but thought it would be too personal considering I'm just a student of hers...not even a favorite. I still hope she and her family is okay.

Outside of classes, I am feeling very hopeful about the next couple of weeks. Last Friday, there was a mass email sent to all students about Troy Cleaners hiring. Right away I thought, that's off campus so there is no need to even try considering I don't have a vehicle at the moment. But the email came enclosed with an address, so I typed it in my iPhone's GPS and selected the walking distance option and it calculated that it was only 3 minutes away. So with that in mind, I typed up a resume (although their were applications at the store) and wrote down the hours I was available on a green sticky note. Today I had butterflies fluttering in my whole body, let alone in my stomach. I picked out a nice pair of jeans, a dressy shirt topped with a thick jacket and Sperrys. I also slept with stocking cap on my head (a very African-American thing to do I know ) to make sure my hair wasn't frizzy. At 1 this afternoon after a quick gussying up, I headed to the apply for the job. I checked the GPS again just to make sure I wouldn't get lost or anything, and the distance jumped from 3 minutes to 17 minutes!! I had to walk over half a mile to get there....but it was worth it. I gave the owner or manager (or whatever she was) my resume and she seemed at least a little impressed that I was so prepared. Considering I already had my contact information and my hours (the little green sticky note) with my resume, I didn't need to waste time filling out an application. She said if my hours don't conflict with the other person she is going to hire, she will give me a call back. I'm hoping and praying so hard for this job! I left after the brief encounter with her and headed back to campus. I even slipped an extra resume to Little Ceaser's Pizza on the way.

The Troy, Alabama ghetto....

With all of that being said, I'm just hoping for a change really soon. With everything that's happened in the past year, I think I deserve a small break. If not that, at least a chance at happiness, and if I do fuck up, at least it would be on my own part without the help of anybody else. I am honestly trying with everything in me to change my own life for the better. I'm not the type of person that sits around and wishes for something good to magically appear on my lap. I'm only eighteen years-old, but I know that if I want anything productive to happen in my life, I have to make it happen and not wait around for it, and if I have to walk a half a mile in the rain everyday, I will do it just because somebody gave me the chance. And with that tidbit of College-Kid wisdom, I will call it a night.

forever hopeful,
-darryl aka dap

Back on the Grind

Okay, I knew I'd get around to writing this at some point today despite the fact I've been up and out since 8:30 this morning. It feels so weird getting back into school after having that really long break. I've actually been back since Wednesday afternoon so I won't just jump ahead to today so I guess I'll just dive right into everything that's been going on this week.

By the way...in case you were too uninterested to look it up yourself, PM stands for post meridiem (you get that if you read the blog before this one).

So...I woke up Wednesday morning I think at around 8, with frostbite and numbness from the cold. I was kinda sad but excited at the same time. I didn't want to leave Quinton but it's only for a semester and I figured the less I dwindled around, the less time I would have for it to hit me that this was real, and I was going to be away from him. I had spent three long, confusing, desolate, glorious, and wondrous weeks at that apartment, and just when I was getting used to our little routine, it was time for me to pack my little life and go. I took a quick shower and bundled up in a fitted thermal and my new favorite coat and after throwing everything I owned in the back of his Pontiac GS, we were on our way back to Troy, Alabama.

When we arrived, I checked in and we proceeded to haul the heavy containers up the back stairs to my dorm room. The halls still stunk of dirty underwear and testosterone, but the floors were shiny and buffed. I walked up to our door at 218 A and noticed new name tags cut out of yellow construction paper in the shape of clovers. (I'm guessing it went with some kind of spring theme?). I twisted the doorknob and walked into the room I was so willing to leave behind for at least another week with my boyfriend. I hurled my belongings onto the middle of the floor and went back to the car for the rest of my stuff. Three agonizing trips later, I called to meet up with Nicole for lunch before Quinton had to be on his way. I ended up with my beloved Chinese food that I had actually missed and anticipated while I was gone. We chatted and laughed for a few minutes and it was time for the dreaded goodbye. I walked him to his car and we said our farewells. He got into the car and I gave him a short kiss in front of God and anyone else in the parking lot and headed back to the food court. I kept it short so maybe it wouldn't hurt too bad, and it didn't. I sat down at the round table with Nicole as if nothing at all had happened and cleared my mind to make room for thoughts other than him.


I wasn't being mean or anything when I said I was pushing him out of my mind, I just meant for a little while. I was back in reality. Being with him was a vacation...sort of a temporary ideal living situation (besides the no car and no job thing) that will happen eventually when I move back home, but it wasn't real. Reality is being back in Troy and trying to deal with everything that's being thrown at me without saying "fuck it" and dropping out.

Yesterday, I went to the bookstore to use financial aid to purchase my books for this semester with no luck...I don't have enough to cover school and books together. I'm still overdrawn hundreds of dollars in my bank account, so there isn't a simple way for anybody to wire money into my account until that's settled (which I don't see happening anytime soon). I also planned on signing up for work study today...but alas, luck was not on my side because there is nothing left. I feel like it's going to be a long semester full of even more bullshit than the first. Hopefully things get better...I'm not asking for the moon or anything. I just want a break for once in the past couple of years. I mean I'm trying to do something with my life by sticking with school (mainly because it's all I have) and I earn decent grades, but I guess in the real world, it's just not enough sometimes. I'm meeting friends at Saga (the campus cafeteria) so I guess I'll end here.

-darryl aka dappy duck

Doggone it...

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Have you ever had one of those days where ripping out your own internal organs would feel better than what you're dealing with now? Well today is just one of those days. I'm not usually needy or over emotional, but today my emotions are all over the place. I'm angry, I'm sad, I feel alone...you name it, I'm feeling it. I'm not in self-pity mode, I'm just trying to let off some steam without doing anything irrational the only way I really know how...through writing.



First off, not even an hour after I woke up this morning, my mother called me to give some bad news about Rocky, our dog. Rocky is a full blooded Pit Bull that I got as a birthday gift from a friend three years ago. He never hurt anybody, he wasn't mean, hell, he grew up with our cat, so he probably think he is a cat! Anyway, some roughneck wannabes in my neighborhood thought it would be funny(?) to sneak into our back yard and tie another dog onto Rocky's leash. Well as you can guess, they fought like...well...dogs. And it seems my dog got it worse than the other. He was really beat up and for what? A laugh? A prank? I'm so pissed off by that very idea that some human being would want to do that to somebody else's pet. My mother heard them going at it this morning and went outside to find them just sitting there. Neither of the dogs were probably vicious, but they were both scared and did what their instincts told them to do. My mom got him to the vet and he's fine now. Just hurt his leg really bad but it's not broken. They gave him a bunch of anesthetics so he's pretty much in his own little world. I'm just happy he's okay. I do wish I spent more time with him when I actually lived here. I barely even know my dog anymore, but I still love him and I don't want anything to happen to him...especially when he doesn't bother anybody. But he's safe and that's all on that.



There's also other things swarming through my mind. As I get closer to another birthday, I realize that things happen for a reason...some for good, some for bad...and others, well I don't know why something happen, but I know there is a reason. Not everybody is going to like me, not everybody is going to want to know me for who I really am, and that's okay. I'm just ready to let go of certain people and certain poisons in my life that prevent me from truly moving on with my life. Sometimes being nice isn't truly being the bigger person...sometimes being the bigger person is cutting ties that prevent us from being happy. So my second New Year's Resolution (after going to the gym more often) is to get rid of certain people in my life....it's nothing personal, just something that I need to do...and unlike the first resolution, this one will not be broken.

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First Frustrations

Gah...times flies when you're on an extended break. I've been out of school for almost a month now for the holidays, and I have yet to do anything worth while...I guess that's the great thing about being on break, huh. I've spent the majority of my break at my boyfriend's apartment...pretty much alone. He works very long hours as a manager at a furniture rental company. He works 12 to 14 hour shifts and his only off day is Sunday. Couldn't do it if you ask me. He isn't very happy and he's always tired or irritable when he comes home. I know it's not his fault because he is just trying to be able to afford his bills and whatnot, but it is becoming a bit of a strain on our relationship.

Yes it's true! Gay guys do worry about more in a relationship than whether or not one is cheating on the other, or having a million fights over who they think should be their "third." Realistically, we have the same strains and fights straight people have....although I will admit they can become a little more dramatic (not speaking from personal experience of course).

The main problem in our relationship is often communication. There just seems to be so many topics we tiptoe around. It's like some things are just too fragile to bring up without seriously stepping on his toes. This usually bottles up and makes things tense for a while...and more so in situations where it just doesn't make sense. I can never truly pinpoint why we are mad or tense when we get to that point. It feels like some deep psychological shit that only a trained couple’s therapist can fix...but our relationship is just too young for that. We've only known each other a short seven months. I often end up feeling mad or dejected for what on the surface seems like no particular reason. Take what happened this past Sunday for instance:
I made plans for us about a week ago to hang out with a couple of my friends (using that term loosely) from high school. We talked about going to see Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakquel just to meet up at least once before school started back. Since it was Q's only day off, I figured it would be a good chance for us to maybe spend the day together and be a couple for once. The day started off ok. We got up and got dressed that afternoon and decided to go to the mall to kill time. We went to all the stores that he wanted to go to including his favorite store, Express. I don't know why but I just felt heated in there. I didn't want to be in there and I just had a major mood swing for no reason. The whole concept of the store just felt stupid to me now. The woman's side of the store was filled with nothing but whorish, tight fitted shirts that passed for dresses when a pair of tights and stilettos was added, and the men's side was just a bunch of nerdy shirts and very gay suits. I don't know what triggered my sudden dislike for Express....whether it was the fact that the prices are way too high for the crap they sell or if it is just because Q likes it. But anyway, we left the mall empty handed and went to the Summit (an outdoor mall kind of deal) where Q proceeded to enter ANOTHER fucking Express store...just to have me standing with my back against the wall sighing and him walking out of the store empty handed again. I ended up buying a marked down f aux fur-lined jacket from Old Navy and we left the Summit. We headed back towards Trussville (where the movie theater we were meeting my friends is located) but stopped in a nearby Chinese restaurant for dinner before the show. The conversation was actually going pretty well and we had an alright time. The check came and he suddenly had to go to the restroom...I still didn't pay it. I was buying the movie, and I'm broke enough as it is. I offered to pay for our Burger King dinner the night before but he gave the cashier his credit card as I was asking for the total. He came out of the restroom to find that the bill was unpaid and he reluctantly forked over his card and paid for the meal. Later after getting into the car, he asked me the quickest way to get to Wal-Mart and I told him....just before verbally wishing that I had my own damn car since I knew my way around the area. I think he took offense to that or something because he asked me if I was implying anything. I told him I wasn't, but I really just wanted him to offer for me to drive. He got a brand new car a couple of weeks ago, and he has never offered for me to at least take it around the block...I mean what can I say it's his car. He never wanted me to get behind the wheel of his old car (which was a piece of shit) so why should I expect to be good enough to drive the new one. I feel so inadequate when I'm with him sometimes. I feel like I'm playing the role of the "girl" a lot of times instead of us being equals. He has the job while I just sit at home doing nothing...occasionally cleaning because he lives like a slob. He has the car and the apartment, and I'm just his dependent boyfriend who's not in the best financial situation due to school and the fact that my parents can't afford to (and probably wouldn't if they could) drop a few thousand dollars as a down payment on a new car. Hell, my parents wouldn't even give me the money for school books my first semester at Troy. His dad also bought him a brand new iPhone 3Gs that in my opinion he didn't really need so much as wanted. I guess a part of me is a little jealous that he's 22 and his parents still takes care of him from some perspective and I'm just 18 and mine seem to have given up some time ago. This just feels like one of the many things I can't bring myself to talk about without me coming off as selfish in the end, because maybe I really am just a selfish asshole who's having a hard time being happy for his boyfriend.
Back to the story, we arrived at the movie theater early and waited for my friends on the inside. We didn't talk and he spent the whole time texting God knows who on his phone. I saw him intentionally clear one of his conversations so who knows what he was talking about, but I don't want to make this into some big thing about trust, because he has given me no reason not to...but I am enough of a narcissist to believe that he may have been talking about me and/or our relationship to somebody. We didn't talk during the wait and I started to feel bad because I hate that tension...I bought him some candy and we watched the movie. When we got in the car I checked my Myspace on my phone and saw that his mood was updated to "Blah." I checked his status and it read, "Q is finding out similar personalities clash." After recovering from what felt like a punch in my stomach, I asked him what it meant. He said we'll talk about it later. I couldn't believe he would put that on a Myspace status, but not feel comfortable to talk to me about what he was feeling instead. My feelings were hurt, but I figured the worse thing I could do was to queen out and spill my guts like I was on some television soap opera. Instead, I sat in silence the whole ride home. We got to his apartment and watched an episode of the last season of Will & Grace DVD I bought him for Christmas. Before the next episode popped on, I stopped the DVD player and curled up beside him and asked him if he wanted to talk. We had our first heart-to-heart which was also very scary because I kept picturing it ending with us breaking up. We decided to see where this relationship is going to go, and I'm hoping it goes the distance and lasts....maybe even forever. I do love him...but sometimes I'm not always sure I know how to be with him. I don't always know the right thing to say...I'm terrible at showing my true emotions because no matter what I'm feeling, it always shows as frustration, and there are things about him I've struggled with but I wouldn't know where to begin with talking about it. For once, I got what I wanted in a boyfriend. He's great and I'd like to think he is perfect for me, but this is not always easy. I wish things were different...maybe he jumped into a relationship too soon after the tragedy of his last boyfriend of three years, and maybe I'm just too immature to handle something so serious and progressive. I don't know where we'll be when our first anniversary rolls around, but I hope it's together...

Whew...it's been forever and I'm happy to say that this first semester at Troy University is finally over! I feel awful about abandoning my blog for so long, but I've had so much going on with school assignments and what not, I never really had a chance. I have however, realized that this blog served for great for therapeutic purposes. I'm almost ashamed to say that those annoyances and emotions in my life was actually what drove me into blogging, and now that things are slowly starting to become somewhat stable, I'm

What's going on now? Well here's a bit of a recap. I'm not going to give every detail because if I did, this blog would NEVER end! But anyway, here we go...

First off, I still don't have a vehicle, but may be on the right path to getting one by May. I'm too superstitious to say how because I don't wanna jinx it! I so need a car to be able to transfer to the University of Alabama in Birmingham and to hopefully move in with (my still boyfriend) Quinton....another thing I would absolutely hate to jinx. I also may be getting a job on campus next semester through the work study program. Maybe I can afford to pay tuition AND save up some money. I'm also trying to find new and innovative ways to make money without having to find a real job (considering I wouldn't have a way to get there). So far the only legitimate way to make money on the internet that I have found was through a site called Treasure Troopers which is a site that pays you for doing surveys and completing offers. The average amount you make from doing one offer/survey is probably about fifty-cents but it adds up. I've started about three days ago and haven't put a lot of time into it and made about $13 so far. There are some people on that site whose monthly paychecks are over $150. That's a nice little bonus for some easy supplementary income. If you think you wanna check out the site just click here and use me as a referral. Also shoot me at email if you have any questions about the site after signing up.

Everything is going alright in my life. Things could be better...but things could be worse. I'm still holding my breath on so many things in my life regarding my future and relationship with Quinton. I hope everything falls into place soon...and if it does you'll be the first to know.

It All Came Out

Okay, okay, it's been a little while since my last update, but things have been very busy and stressful these past couple of weeks. I am happy to say that I am away from my hometown and enjoying life here on this beautiful (and very hot) Troy University campus. Yeah, it may have been a bumpy little path getting here with all the stress over not having a car, losing my immunization form, catching up on financial aid stuff and so forth, but I'm actually here. I moved into the all male (freshman) dormitory Saturday evening after sad goodbye's with some family and Sara, and of course Q.
Move-in day was stressful all on it's own. I had my stuff packed the night before and we planned on leaving Saturday at noon to have me there at around 3pm. Well...that didn't happen that way. My mom's truck (and everyother car she owns) is a piece of crap and we were both worried that it would never make it down there and back, so she was planning on taking my grandmother's car instead, like she did to take me to orientation. No problem, right? Wrong! She failed to let my gradmother (who was attending my great uncle's funeral in California) anything about it, and just showed up Saturday morning to take the car just to find that it was running hot, and my grandmother's new car was parked and the keys taken.
So noon rolls around, and my mother still isn't back yet, so I call her and she is STILL across town fooling around with my grandmother's car. Since I had a deadline of 5pm to make I was starting to panic a little, but figured we had time for her to get something done. Tick-tock-tick-tock....it's now 2pm and it takes three hours to get there and she still is not home! I'm in full blown panic attack mode at this point, so I called the residential department at the school and informed them I was going to be a late and they seemed to be cool with it, which put me a little more at ease.
Mommy Dearest finally showed up a few minutes later and I cramed my stuff into and onto that truck as fast as my hands and feet would allow me and we were on our merry little way.
Three very uncomfortable hours later, we arrived to the campus and I checked into my dorm and got my key. Tyler (as well as his mother, aunt, and grandmother) were already in the room, his side of the room completely set up. My mom and his folks helped me set my things up (my side was far less decorated than his) and after a couple of hours or so my mom was on her happy way home. Tyler's family decided they were staying in a hotel close to campus for some program the next afternoon. To make a long story short, they stayed for two freaking days!!! I was so ready for them to go, I thought I was going to have to hang myself out on the campus green just to get some privacy.
The next day began our first day out on our own. I basically hung out with Tyler and Nicole (another girl I have known sice middle school) and some random people we were meeting as the time went by. Not much to do when classes aren't going on. That was also the day I just decided to come clean about my sexuality. It was never a huge deal to me because at this point in my life I don't care what people think about it, and I'm tired of hiding who I am just to appease people. I'm not running around in make up and wigs, nor am I this big flammer. I just so happen to like and fall in love with guys. So what? But I actually told Nicole Sunday night when Tyler was out out of the room, and she was completely ok. Then the next afternoon Tyler and I had our discussion which lasted much longer than the one Nicole and me had....but it still went ok. When Kayla and Rachel got settled, I told them (seperately of course) and they are fine. I feel really relieved to just be myself while I am here.
I guess that's all the big news I got right now...still kind of stressing over some stuff but hey, that's a story for next time ...maybe. Haha

Letting It All Hang Out

Phew...an update, finally! Well I've been a little busy this past week...mainly with Q, which I am happy to say all is still very well and I hope it remains that way. This past Saturday we took a little road trip to meet up with a few of his friends (but mainly his bestie, Terry) for a little fun, plus Terry wanted to meet me, which felt really good because it kind of made me feel accepted in a way. And although our destination was no place fancy (it was a country little town called Carbon Hills...or Springs...I forget), but we had a whole day of activities lined up. We got there and the first person I saw was of course, Terry, who welcomed us both with open arms. Then I saw their friend, Allie (and her infamous boobies) following behind him. Then following Allie, was Jessica, Terry's little sister who is just a year older than me. Just breaking the ice was well enough. They gave off a good vibe and I felt right at home. We swam and played around in the water like a bunch of kids until it was time to get ready for "Karaoke Night" at this rest stop. We all showered (mine a little longer than everybody else's which I think kinda annoyed Q, but oh well) and meet up with the rest of their friends before heading to the Karaoke bar-thingy. We stayed there for hours before we left and ended up staying the night at Terry's. Since Terry lives with his folks, there is a very strict no sex rule (or at least gay sex anyway) in the house, so there was no showering together, kissing (which we did plenty of in the car), or anything in the  house. We even slept in different places. The next day we ended up going to a (very small) birthday party for Terry's ex-boyfriend which was fun in it's own way. Then back to Terry's to get our stuff together and make our way back to Q's apartment. 

Spending so much time with Q is starting to make me realize that there maybe he is the one for me. We have the same goofy sense of humor, we are never bored with each other, nothing is forced, and we just click so well...I don't know what I'm gonna do if fate isn't on our side. We aren't necessarily going in different directions in life, it's just that we are so young and at different points right now. He is going through job interview after job interview (which is a process that is going very well, and I am super proud of him) and I'm just getting my feet wet in the real world, not really knowing what to expect. We still haven't made any "real" commitment to each other yet but it's clear that we want each other and have no interest in dating anybody else. I'm a little scared, but it's natural I suppose. 

As for some random stuffy stuff, I've started working on a new look for myself. Nothing completely different or drastic. I got my hears pierced (16 gauge black hoops) and I got my left rook pierced (blue spike) and I LOVES it. I'm also training my (naturally straight) hair to wave. I want those cool 360 degree waves you see on those hot black models yum. They are starting to form, but it'll be some weeks before they are perfect. I don't wanna use chemicals or too much product. I've also joined this newer gay networking site called Daily Queer and if there are any gays out there reading this, you should sign up. It's very comparable to Facebook except you can post dirty pictures if you want. And it is more of a networking site, rather than a gay hook up site. If you in fact do make an account, feel free to check out My Profile and add me or something. 

Well that's all got for you today...I'll try to update soon, although next week is probably going to a busy one considering I leave for Troy next Saturday!

An Active Week

Well a lot has been going on lately and I've just been waiting for things to build up a bit so I'd actually have something to write about. Some events that have taken place over these past couple of weeks have been great...and others well, not so much I guess. Nothing too extreme though. Nothing I'm not particularly used to, I guess. 

About a week ago, I attended college orientation (better known as Troy IMPACT), which was a two day process of being separated by parents, meeting new students, and picking classes...not to mention the miscellaneous partying that took place; yes all ready! I actually had some fun though. We had a hilarious group leader named Erica who was really cool. And I met a few people when we were trapped in a room for like three hours while Erica and Caitlyn, the other leader helped us pick our classes and made our schedules. And surprisingly I met a boy on this trip. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: With all the boy trouble in my life, why even consider adding another to the mix? And you're right...it's not worth my time. But I think I've made a friend in him. His name is Eddie and we have a lot in common; from our style to music, we really clicked pretty well. And I admit...he followed me to my dorm room and things got a little "touchy" and I felt incredibly guilty. I told Q moments after it happened hoping he wouldn't think the worse of me, and he didn't. He was actually very okay with it. We are not committed to each other and he kinda understood. But I promised that I would not hook up with anybody while we are on a romantic level. I just don't have the conscience for it...what can I say? I'm smitten.

Speaking of which, me and Q spent a completely wonderful four days together when I got back from Troy (the night I got back actually because me and Mom came home to a dark house due to the fact she didn't pay the bill). It was great! I can totally see myself being with him and happy.  Friday we spent the day at the mall before going to see the new Harry Potter movie. We went to Gap and saw my friend Rickey (who I met through my ex-boyfriend, Wendell). We chatted for a few minutes and decided to hang out later that night. We ended up settling on going to the club later on around midnight. Q and I got there before he did and of course there he was: my ex-boyfriend Wendell.  I tried to kinda maneuver around him without him noticing but he saw me and pulled me over into a bear hug. I'm guessing he had been feeling a little friendly since he had been drinking. I just asked him how he was doing and asked where Rickey was and pretty much went about my business. I saw him ALL night...and when I left we hugged again and he told me to be careful as he gave a friendly smile towards Q. The situation wasn't terribly awkward, but for days after (including right now) it triggered all the feelings and hurt I felt when we were together. I know I don't want him anymore, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him even a little. But I'm not bold enough to try and contact him...especially after vowing not to. I kind of wish I never saw him...I am over him as my boyfriend and all, but it's never easy seeing an ex and so soon after ending communication. I think I took a few steps back after seeing him and now it's back to "purging" him again. 

But besides the Wendell "sighting" the club was fun. Q and I had a good time, although I was kind of disappointed that Josh (Rickey's hubby) didn't show up because he had to work. So to make it up to me, we hung out today. Just went shopping and grabbed a bite to eat. We visited Rickey at the Gap and talked for a bit. He asked me a lot of questions about college and stuff and I told him my position with Q. About how I don't know how long I'll be at Troy because I'm willing to change schools out of state if Q get's an out of state job, and he reacted to me as if I was stupid. It was one of those moments where although he didn't really say anything about it, his body language and mannerism told me what he thought of the idea. I kinda didn't like that, considering Rickey has no place to judge me, but I think that just may be how he is, so I tried not to take it personally. I mean, as long as I think it's right then it's ok...it's MY life, and plans change. Who knows how I'll feel or what will be going on in a year...everything could change in a year. But oh well...we shall see. 

Halfway Relieved.

Lots of things happening these days. For starters I have officially quit my job at Cracker Barrel after saving up a pretty hefty amount of cash. I'm confident that I won't go broke for a while...hopefully I'll manage until I get a job down in Troy. I admit, it is kind of weird...it's Monday and I have NOTHING to do. Haha I think  it's something I can get used to real quick. 

On another note, I came home today after spending yet another wonderful weekend with Q (and spending like 64 bucks at good old American Eagle), that my mother bought me a towel set and a sheet/comforter set for college. I was so banking on having to buy that crap myself. But thankfully she went ahead and bought it, so that's two things I can cross off of my list. 

As for the Q situation, well things are the same and I'm happy. I can't help but to feel all giddy when I'm around him, and I kind of feel a little sad when we say goodbye. I'm trying hard not to rush into anything and keep these emotions under control and all, but I'm really starting to think I'm falling for him even more. Maybe even in love? With both of our lives being so unpredictable and all over the place, I don't necessarily think think I want to allow myself to fall too hard for him, but on the other hand, deep down I think I know. I want to be with him. I don't have eyes for anybody else, and I don't care about being with or hooking up with anybody but him. It's just as simple as that. I kind of think he can sense it, but we don't talk about it. We just enjoy each other's company. We don't even always have sex and we still love being around each other. I just wish things were simpler and it would just happen. But I guess I'll have to wait a few more weeks to see what he plans on us doing when I'm away....

Dizzy...literally.

Okay, so I've told you about Q, my love interest and all. And we all know that this past weekend was Independence Day. Well I had no plans the beginning of that day, considering my mother left earlier that morning to help my granny BBQ, which was fine with me because I wanted to sleep-in anyway.
When I finally did wake up, around two-ish, I got a text from Kevin, my friend/ex. Apparently he wanted to hang out, but didn't know if he could or not because his father had been hinting all day about wanting to go fishing together. I don't really mind going off with Kevin, because we have fun and I like seeing him, but for like the first time, I just really wasn't too interested. I wouldn't have told him no, but I don't think I would've enjoyed myself...my mind was on Q.
So some really long and boring hours of watching television and playing The Sims 3 goes by and at around six or so, Q finally texts me and eventually asks if I wanted to hang out with him. Of course I eagerly accepted...all giddy and shit. But he told me he had to wait on his step-mom to bring over some food or something before he could leave. An hour goes by and he sends me a text message saying his dad told her not to bring him anything and that he should go over there and see his family...fair enough I guess. So he told me he'll see me a little later cuz he just wanted to make an appearance and be on his way......
....FOUR AND A HALF HOURS LATER...he finally tells me he's on his way still after being guilt tripped by his father for leaving. It's like almost midnight now, so he comes up with this brilliant plan to go clubbing. I kind of like that sort of thing every now and then so I agreed but only if we drink first, because otherwise I just find the whole thing boring...but everything's fun when you're drunk, right?
So we meet and get to his apartment so he can change clothes and he has some Smirnoff Vodka that's been sitting on his kitchen island for ages (or since I've met him anyway), and I know that vodka does NOT agree with me at all. The first time I got drunk off of vodka at a party when I was 16, I got out of control and looked like a complete idiot...it was awful. Not to mention the horrible feeling I got while being drunk...vodka is not good drunk in my opinion. But of course I drink Q's vodka anyway. He had a couple of sips here in there but I pretty much drank it myself...and it wasn't long before the crazy belligerent drunk came out and to the point where our clubbing plans were pretty much over, considering the lesbian bouncer wouldn't stand for admitting a completely wasted 18 year old into their club. So Q basically had to take care of my loud ass, attempting (in vain) to calm me down.
I don't remember much at all so the story would probably be more effective told from his point of view, but hey, he doesn't blog...and besides I didn't really ask to know every detail anyway, in fear of embarrassment. But he took care of me...even when the gallons of vomit came. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I threw up...a lot, which so weird because no matter how bad I get, I never throw up, which is another reason for me to stay the hell away from vodka.
At some point I finally (literally) passed out on the sofa and woke up some hours later feeling like I was so close to death, and alone on his couch. I remember feeling really really bad and just forcing myself back to sleep. I woke up again feeling worse some time later and Q had joined me on the couch, asleep on the opposite end. This time around I was tossing and turning feeling terrible. Everything ached and I was so light headed. I got up and went to the bathroom, of course upon walking out I found myself charging to the toilet (my new best friend) to throw up, but instead, considering there was nothing left to throw up, I just starting retching and dry heaving...horrible feeling....then I got back on his sofa him still asleep, and then I noticed I was naked. Now before you get the wrong idea, apparently during my drunken episode, I threw up on my jeans and Q told me to take them off and told me to hop in the shower but instead I took off all of my clothes and walked to the living room where I passed out on the sofa instead.
But he took care of me, even while I was hungover. I stayed on his couch all day feeling like complete crap. He got me something to eat and made me feel better about the whole thing like it was no big deal.
It may sound stupid, but after all of that drunken nonsense, I actually think I like him more. I don't want anybody but him and I hope he feels the same about me. I know he likes me, and I know he's really apprehensive because of the distance from his town to Troy, but I hope he gives in and takes a chance....besides I'm kinda tired of being yet another victim of unrequited love.

Hopeful

Hmm...there are just so many things going on in my head right now. My crazy ass mom promised to get my braces off (which haven't been changed in like 8 months) and to buy me some cheap car to get around Troy in. Since my mom (stupidly) quit her job she gave up our health and dental insurance, knowing good and well that we needed that for my braces, and she couldn't pay for them out of pocket. And the car that I had when I was 16, caught on fire...think I remember going over that one. But anyway, since my mom quit her job, the company she worked for has agreed to give her the money she has put in her pension plan, which was about $9,000. I can only hope that she comes through, because that is ALL I'm asking for from her. I just want her to finish what she started with my braces and out of the kindness of her heart get me some cheap little car to get around in. I'm not asking for anything fancy either. But who knows...
I am also thinking a lot about Q, my current love interest. We spend a lot of time together, and we click very well. We also have a sexual relationship, which seems to be a little out of the norm for him, which kind of makes me feel that he really does like me. But on the other hand, I know he's a bit apprehensive about us starting a serious relationship and me going off to college. This morning I was at his apartment and I jokingly made a comment that he was my boy friend and he just laughed because it caught him off guard. I asked him what was so funny and he merely replied "Aren't you going away?" So I laughed it off and then we kind of talked about it. He admitted to having feelings for me, but he has been put in the same type of long distance situation twice and they just didn't work out. I believe that it could if we both went in with the right attitude about it, and plus I can see him every weekend if I wanted because I would only be 2 hours away from him. I really really have feelings for this guy, and I don't want to let him go...but at the same time, it would probably be best not to put myself in a situation where I get more attached than I already am just to erase him out of my life. I've already had to push Wendell to the side, which was so hard for me to do...and then to have to do it all over again...it's a little unsettling. But whatever happens will happen for a reason, I know that. I'm having an issue over whether or not I should actually tell him all of my feelings or just leave it alone. I don't want to scare him or anything...

My Introductory Blog...more like a teen soap opera

Hmm...I don't really know the actual reason why people create blogs, but I don't really have any purpose for this at all besides blowing off a little steam and not keeping everything bottled up...kinda like a free therapist haha. I intend on keeping this making this blog a little more personal than just a random "Hey look what I found on youtube" kind of blog. But anyway, I think a proper introduction is in order if I intend on having any kind of audience know who I am.

My name is Darryl, I am an 18 year old high school graduate and I'm getting ready to attend Troy University in August. I'm usually very well put together in crazy situations, and I'm a little reserved. I also hate to show emotion or anything that will end up making me feel vulnerable. I am also gay...but that's not who I am...just my sexual preference. I would like to think that my life is a lot deeper than that. So now that the basics are taken care of, how about I scratch the surface on what's been going on in my life...

I guess I'll go back to the beginning of my Senior year of high school before my life started to crumble before my eyes. I started my final year of high school with close friends, a car, a boy friend, and the school year had all the potential in the world to be the best year ever...of course life just never pans out that way. My boyfriend, Kevin of about two months broke up with me (and for good reason)...he was 32 at the time and I was 17 (completely weird I know, but I guess that's just how love works sometimes), and although our relationship was legal in our state of Alabama, it was still a situation neither one of us spoke a word about to anybody we associated with, to avoid complications. But the day my mom raided my laptop and found out I was not only gay, but also in a relationship with a man...it was all over. My mother is a little less than sane and sensible and the fact that she knew I was dating somebody (regardless of her knowing his age) scared the living soul out of Kevin. I called and told him moments after the episode with my mom and he ended it, and that was that with Kevin for about two months. I did not call him anymore at that point.
So there went my potential long term relationship...down the flusher. But at least I had my friends, school work, a decent job as a waiter at Cracker Barrel, and learning new percussion music for marching band to keep me more than busy. I also became very close to a kid in my graduating class, named Tyler. We did everything together...his mom works as a manager at Burger King which was where I used to work. I have always known Tyler since I moved to that part of town 8 years ago, but we were never friends. It wasn't until I used to give him rides home, because he and his mom shared vehicles, that we figured we actually liked each other enough to call each other friends. Don't get me wrong, as far as I know he is completely straight and I was only after his friendship. I never looked at him that way at all.
The months rolled by pretty quickly and somehow, my Senior year turned out to be my break out year...I was finding out who I really was. For the first time, I was meeting other gay guys for dating, or just randomly hooking up. Everything felt fast and although I wasn't doing drugs or partying my life away, it still seemed as if nothing at all could come out of what I was doing and how I was taking on the guys I were meeting. I had never realised it, but things just go so fast when pursuing a gay relationship, and the guys are usually very ok with hooking up the very moment they meet somebody, and at the time so was I.
Now I was on an actual gay hookup site checking out all the guys who were "my type." I met a few and of course hooked up. Then I had a rather frightening experience which was enough to tell me to slow down. The guy lied and told me a lot of stuff to get me to his house, which was basically in the middle of nowhere...then he ended up calling a "buddy" over who was way older than the age he said he was and well I was pretty much stuck there, them willing to do whatever they wanted. Although surprisingly, nothing too bad happened, it could have been a lot worse and I vowed to take it slow...or so I thought.
This guy who had been eyeing me on that gay site for months finally gave me his email address and we started chatting one night. Being the horny 17 year old I was I gave into him and we agreed to meet in what was probably a matter of minutes of chatting. After a session of what was supposed to be meaningless relations, we actually drove back to the parking lot where we met and hit it off for hours. His name was Wendell and he was 24 (at least a little closer to my age right) working for a moving company and still living with his parents. We decided that we should keep in touch, and we did. Wendell was like my true gay break through. He took me to parties with his gay friends, I kinda understood more about what it was to actually date a gay guy who had a similar lifestyle and mind set as me, and I also felt closer to him than any other guy so early on in the relationship.
We hung out all of my week long Thanksgiving break and while spending a night in a cheap motel, we decided to make it official. It was Thanksgiving morning at 1:10 am...I could not have been happier. But of course...all good things must come to an end, right?
I was in what felt like a great relationship with a very cool guy, but at the same time I got back in touch with my ex, Kevin. Nothing at all sexual of course...we didn't even meet. Only continued our friendship over the phone. I also still communicated with one of my older "prospects," Marc, a guy I kind of dated but never really made it official with before I met Wendell. Having these two in my life while dating Wendell didn't wreck my relationship, but merely stirred the pot.
Like a lot of relationships ours started off great, but then just started to show signs that it wasn't going to pan out...he became very distant and began to become engulfed in his work and made no time for us. He even said once that his job comes before any kind of relationship....but on a flip side, he still made time to go to parties and movie nights with his friends instead of being with me. So I started hanging out with Marc and Kevin again...innocently enough (well at first anyway), but of course it only added to confusion and frustration between the two of us. To make a long story even longer, we broke up after 4 months of dating..and it was hard. Especially after everything else that went wrong during those short months. My idiot mother let our water go off (indefinitely) because she quit her job because she was "tired of feeling like a robot" and didn't have any kind of back up plan or any money saved up. My car also caught on fire due to severely over heating and it was not salvageable. Then on top of those problems I was expected to over come a broken heart...it was too much. I wish I could sit here and blab on about all the late night text messages and the depression that followed, but it would only stir up more emotion that I don't want to feel.
But now flashing forward, I'm now forced to be ok with the whole Wendell situation since we both agreed (in an angrily fashion) to cease communication all together. And I have now moved on and I'm currently dating a really nice guy by the name of Quinton. We haven't made anything official, partially because we have only been talking for a little over a month and also because I am leaving for Troy, which is almost three hours away, in about a month...but who knows what will happen with us...hopefully it goes well.
As for the relationship with my friends...going back a few months, Tyler completely fucked me over. None of my schoolmates knew anything about me being gay...or at least they didn't know for sure, but Tyler would make sure to fix that. Before we graduated he teamed up with this jealous faggot named Taylor who started some rumor about me being involved with some (imaginary) person in band through text messages. And Tyler took that upon himself to tell EVERYBODY I was associated with...and this happened months before he told me. I knew people were acting weird around me and Tyler completely ignored me for like two months...but I didn't really know or care with everything else that was happening with my home situation and the break up with Wendell. But eventually he slipped up and tried to spread his "theories" about my sexuality to my only genuine friend, Sara, and she stopped the bull right in its tracks. She told me what he had been up to immediately and he had no choice but to confess and as much as it killed me, I showed absolutely no emotion. I didn't blow up at him...I told him he was wrong and we weren't friends of course, but that was it. Now he won't leave me alone. He ignored me for months while he was spreading stuff about me, and now he wants to be like my best friend or something, and it pisses me off because I think he's just being selfish and talking to me to only make himself feel better about it...and the worse part...he's going to be my roommate at Troy until I can get a private room. Kill me now!
But that's it for now...maybe somebody will read this...maybe they won't. Hopefully more to come. So now I hope you have an idea of what kind of life I am living at the moment and cross your fingers for me and hope that things get better! haha

-Darryl